When Co-Parenting Turns Into Conflict: Protecting Your Child and Your Peace

 The earliest time you receive the text is at 6:12 a.m. Your child will be waking up soon, and he/she is asking which house we will sleep at tonight. The backpack that you prepared last night is still right next to the front door. As many high-conflict divorced parents can attest, this is not an uncommon scenario. This is one example of the type of stressors associated with co-parenting in a high-conflict situation. This type of stressor contributes to the feeling of needing to do “damage control” rather than working together.

Via Unsplash

 Emotions are going to play a significant role in what happens in terms of scheduling; however, when a parent continually disregards established schedules, manipulates discussions, or utilizes their child as a means of obtaining concessions from the other party, goodwill does not seem sufficient to establish fair co-parenting practices. Establishing reasonable legal boundaries is necessary for establishing structure in situations where emotionality is unable to provide it.

Informal Attempts to Manage Co-Parenting

 Many parents start out by making use of informal agreements when trying to manage co-parenting. Parents will be happy to work with you to adjust the times that your child is picked up from school or dropped off at the other parent’s home, if you can avoid getting into another argument. Additionally, many parents are willing to make excuses for why they cannot pick up their children on time, so long as they do not have to get involved in court proceedings. Informal agreements usually function best in low-conflict co-parenting relationships. However, informal agreements often break down in very high-conflict relationships.

 Informal agreements give both parents a great deal of flexibility to deviate from an agreed-upon schedule and, consequently, create a lot of opportunities for both parents to say “it wasn’t my fault”, thereby creating an environment where blame is placed on the opposing party. On the other hand, having a formal, written co-parenting plan, while working with a family law attorney specializing in divorce and/or child custody cases, creates a structured format upon which you can rely.

Turning Every Text Into a Full-Fledged Argument

 While every text message may deserve a response, particularly when it appears to be unfair, many high-conflict parents intentionally attempt to take arguments off-topic. For example, a simple inquiry regarding dropping off your child may transform into an attack on your financial status, your child’s educational success, or your personal life.

 Why is this relevant? Once communication devolves into disorganization and confusion, it is significantly more challenging to demonstrate evidence of a discernible pattern. Brief responses to messages will serve two purposes: they will preserve your emotional state, and they will create documentation. Focus on recording relevant data: dates/times/school events/medical information. Do not document opinion-based statements. Document nothing lengthy. Only document enough to keep proceedings moving and to ensure that all parties remain focused on the best interests of your child.

Remembering That Documentation Protects You

 Keeping records of communications and interactions with the other parent can appear petty. However, documenting phone calls/text messages/logging missed visitations and tracking late pickups can actually prove useful. Courts and lawyers typically base decisions on demonstrable evidence and identifiable patterns. A parent who repeatedly withholds information regarding exchanges, consistently misses scheduled exchanges, or makes false claims regarding either party typically relies on creating chaos. Keeping documented evidence of these incidents will slow down that process. Use whatever method you prefer, e.g., using a notebook/email account/parenting application, as long as you have a systematic way to store and record all exchanges. What might appear to be a minor infraction of missing one handoff could develop into a larger problem after ten instances.

Placing Peacefulness Over Stability

Most parents would like to maintain peace in their relationship. There is no doubt that maintaining harmony is desirable, especially when children are involved. However, maintaining peace is different than allowing chaos/stability issues to become commonplace.